The main seven people I dread sitting next to me on the bus.

1. The happy clappy christian who treats me like a long lost buddy and asks me if I have found Jesus today (actually he asks everyone on the bus). I once replied "Not in my Cornflakes" which threw him for a demi second before he returned to rainbow land and wished everyone individually a "wonderously happy and gloriously God filled day".

2. The squeeky child who is delighted to shriek out his daily observations to the bus load. "Cat!" "Lorry!" " Look mummy, diggerrrrrrr!" "Happy clappy Christian man mummy!"

3. The young adult who likes to phone a friend loudly and the friend is sitting at the back of the same bus.

4. The enormous fat guy with nose clenchingly bad BO and very cheesy feet.

5. The very old frail lady who insists that I am her long lost son and smells of wee, very stale wee.

6. The dog owner whose small itching dog sniffs at my ankles and shoes and emits low threatening growls.

7. Anyone wearing a hoodie and jerking about to their c/rap 'taste' in music regardless of anyone else's sensibilites.