On last Saturday night I came back home to my village from a long day at the theatre having done four hours worth of performing and having helped to deconstruct the set from Charlie's Aunt. As it was late I decided to take a taxi and arrived home (I live between two pubs) about twenty past midnight. The drunken youths and youthesses were milling about in a state of rowdiness and unsteadiness from a nights binge drinking.

As I sat in the taxi waiting for my change from £20 a red, sweating, beer soaked face, probably only lovable by his mum - if he has one, leered through the slightly open car window and slurred an insistant demand that the driver took him and his pissed up pals to Clifton and they were willing to offer the driver £10 for the short trip. Several versions later, remarkable in itself as this man's vocabulary was severely limited to the words 'beer' , 'vodka' and 'anuffer' (another) he was still refused by the taxi driver as he had another booking. Somewhere along this road to nightmareland a friend of his, dripping kebab and vomit from his chin, also insisted on the bargain they were offering the now slightly worried looking Asian taxi driver.

Temporarily,the Cliftonites were distracted from their mission by three scantily clad chavettes having a 'tear yer f'ing eyes out you bi*ch' screaming match and they staggered off to improve the situaion by bellowing themselves.

I hastily tucked the change in one of my pockets and clambered out of the car. I was literally outside my house and so was another bloke and he, rather conveniently for him, was peeing against my gate. I stood and watched in disbelief (I am normally tucked up in bed when this uncivil nonsense happens on a Saturday). When he had finished slopping wee all over his trainers and my path I attempted to go past him into my garden and home. Avoiding any confrontation and a wet leg myself I eased past him and said "Excuse me, I live here".

He attempted to shake my hand and offered a fumey apology, fell back into the road and I slipped by and got myself safely in my kitchen and locked the door. Welcome home me.

Phil