Phil's eblog

I can smell them cooking from my kitchen and am going to have some mashed potatoes and carrots and haricot vertes for tea. Yum!

It's official. I am now a big wuss. I watched Music and Lyrics - you know- the feelgood film with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore? I laughed, I pondered, I wondered what was going to happen as all was going far too well and in the end I wept (tears of joy). Yep! I am officially a big wuss bloke blubbing at a soppy film. Pass the chocolates and hankies.

The bank cash machine gives you £200 instead of a £100 when you withdraw.
A. Would you keep quiet and walk away with the extra cash?
B. Pop in and tell the manager what the machine has done?
C. Try for another £100 and hope for a repeat action?

I am generally an honest person but I think I would be persuaded by the A option.

How come I started my delicious stew cooking at 7pm and it is now 9.12pm with still another half an hour to go until the mashed potato is ready? Answers on a Carte Postale s'il vous plais.

Plot: The stage is completely empty of anything that might cause danger to actors or audience.

The main character, Health and Safety Officer, arrives stage left and taps clip board and emits evil laugh. He/she exits - not pursued by a bear.

Two new actors arrive on stage. They are gagged as to avoid them 'tripping up' on their lines.They do nothing - they say nothing - they just look bored.

Nothing at all happens for an hour and a half including interval.

The End.

I have copied the format from the Guardian magazine today and added my own answers.

Q & A

When were you happiest?

Anytime I was enjoying writing or cosy in bed.

What is your greatest fear?

The hot water bottle leaking.

Which living person do you most admire?

Rick Stein, because of his passion for his art.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Taking on too much.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Bad manners.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

Being caught naked in the kitchen sink, aged 12 years old. My Auntie and her daughter walked in unannounced. I was bathing.

Aside from a property, what’s the most expensive thing you ever bought?

My old computer. It was over a thousand pounds twelve years ago.

What is your most treasured possession?

Wit.

Where would you like to live?

Somewhere warmer than today. France comes to mind.

What would your super power be?

Instant languages, like a babel fish.

What makes you depressed?

Newspapers full of doom and gloom and phone calls about double glazing.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

Slight beer gut.

If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you chose?

A Dodo, because a bird with a name like that deserves a second chance.

What is your favourite smell?

Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding type dinner.

What is your favourite book?

Time and Again by Jack Finney.

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?

Cyrano de Bergerac.

What’s the worst thing anyone’s ever said to you?

Put yourself in manager meeting. A call centre instruction and I always thought I had done something sackable even if I hadn’t.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?

Sitting watching hours of French films.

What do you owe your parents?

Ten and sixpence circa 1969.

To whom would you most like to say ‘sorry’ and why?

Ah ‘sorry’ that must be the hardest word. Hey, there’s a song there! Now what rhymes with ‘why’? Cry, bye, sigh. This could work. Dear Elton…

Who or what is the greatest love of your life?

Being kind and caring to others.

What does love feel like?

Happy spiders dancing in the heart.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

So and but.

What’s the worst job you’ve done?

Shovelling shit in an abattoir. Close second was working in sales at a call centre.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?

Spend slightly less time with the Cubs and Scouts as a youngster and go on more dates back then. I was cripplingly shy with girls but I did get my Camper badge.

If you could go back in time, where would you go?

Roman times or Victorian times. The sanitised versions.

When did you last cry and why?

Watching Lark Rise to Candleford Christmas special. Because it was set in simpler times and a ghost story about searching for family. I cried at the happy ending.

How do you relax?

Watching Frasier or Rick Stein on dvd with some nice food and a glass of wine.

What is the closest you’ve come to death?

Nearly drowning in a swimming pool aged about 15. My step mum rescued me.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?

Love.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Keeping happy day to day and entertaining people through theatre and writing.

What keeps you awake at night?

Noise from the pub next door. Ear plugs help.

What song would you like played at your funeral?

Always look on the bright side of life or Benny Hill’s Ernie (simply because it is daft.)

How would you like to be remembered?

A talented and friendly, loving person who inspired people to be creative.

What are the most important lessons life has taught you?

Never work in a call centre. Always strive to have warm feet and wear a hat in the winter. Show others that you care.Be kind to animals.

Where would you like to be right now?

In someone’s arms.

Tell us a joke.

War is worthwhile.

Just finished watching a 90 minute show dedicated to the tv chef Rick Stein. Great stuff. I think he is brilliant and now I can't get the catchy 'Chalky' song out of my head!

I am in a do-less mood today. It is darned cold so the heating is going on, sod it!

Too many things going through my brain and I can't decide what to do.

Do I: contact the Bygones dept at the local paper and ask if they are interested in a article about my student years as a mature student?

Do I: Resign myself to applying for a job at Specsavers? All the jobs seem to be advertised full time money and then qoute part time only! Argh!

Do I: Get on with something active and warm up or curl up and watch a film?

At least old Rick Stein is on the telly tonight. Yay!